The "A" Word

 I am writing this post because I want to share my feelings about when I heard that "A' word and the week after...

A week ago, I took Malachi to see a doctor concerning some behaviors I have witnessed over the past two years.  These behaviors have been disconcerting and worrisome for both me and Brian.  I, as a former teacher and now an employee of WV's early intervention system, knew what these symptoms meant.  However, when its your child, it is very easy to make excuses...to not really "face the music"!

So, in we go to the doctor's office.  Immediately, Malachi is "on guard" as it is a different person and a new place.  After nearly a 30 minute conversation about his symptoms, she said the "A" word.  "He is autistic."  Now, I thought this before going into the office...in fact, I thought this for two years. However, when the words spilled out of her mouth, my eyes filled with tears and a great sense of panic set in.

What?  How will I manage this?  How will this look in our family?  How will this affect our other children?  How will this affect our marriage?  What will school look like for him?  Will he get married?  Will he have a family?  What type of a job will he be able to get?

Upon coming home, I began to make excuses....
"What does she know, he always acts worse around strangers?"
"His symptoms are worse when I am around..maybe he is not autistic and I am just a bad mother."
"I don't see those typical "autistic" symptoms?  Well, at least, I don't see those typical symptoms too often?

I felt totally overwhelmed.  I wanted to curl in a ball and block out the world.  I wanted to pretend she never said the "A" word....pretend it was just my unprofessional opinion again.  But, that is not reality...I had to keep going and I had to deal with the "A" word.

Next, I thought "I just won't tell anyone."  Then, I remembered what the doctor said..."You might not want to give him the label.  But, remember, he will be labeled....labeled as weird, off, or unusual."  So, even with all its connotations, I decided it is best to share.

A week has passed.  I am still scared to death.  I am still sad that my sweet little boy will have yet another obstacle to overcome.  I am still heartbroken that parts of his life won't be"normal".  I am still overwhelmed as how to make this work everyday.

But, I am choosing to remember the progress my little man has made in two years.  I am choosing to remember that God is good.  I am choosing to figure out a way, with the Lord's help and guidance, to make the best life possible for my autistic son.

It's Just a Cake

Today, my son, Noah, turns 10!  I can hardly believe that 10 years ago after a failed attempt to turn Noah, I was prepped for a c-section and gave birth to my first child.  I remember the first time I held him...I just couldn't believe that he was mine, that they were going to let me take this innocent, little baby home.

I remember as Noah's first birthday approached, Brian shared that his mother always made him a special, decorated cake.  I wanted to be a good mother, so I embarked on the journey of learning how to make these special birthday cakes (Great big thanks to my mother-in-law for the hours of cake baking and decorating that have ensued).  Had I know then that I was going to have 5 children and, therefore, was going to need to make 50 cakes, I may have passed on this opportunity to be a good mother.

Forward 10 years, 10 cakes, and 10,000 gray hairs.....

     Noah's 1st Birthday...

 







   


     Noah's 2nd Birthday....

 







     Noah's 3rd Birthday...

 



     Noah's 4th Birthday...

 








   


     Noah's 5th Birthday...

 

   






   




     Noah's 6th Birthday...

  




     Noah's 7th Birthday...

     Noah's 8th Birthday...

     Noah's 9th Birthday... 

and I am making my last specially designed cake for Noah.  I have told each child that when they turn 10, they will have their last cake.  (Now, don't get me wrong, I will still make my children a birthday cake; however, I will no longer carve and decorate a cake for hours.)  So, I thought I would approach this day with glee.  I mean these cakes create hours of stress for me...searching the Internet for ideas, baking and freezing the cake days in advance, then hours cutting and decorating.

But, as I prepared this last cake, I felt an overwhelming sadness.  My baby is no longer a little boy.  The decade where he physically needed me the most is over.  I thought about all the mistakes I have made in raising him...the times I was too busy to play, the times I lost my temper, the times I stressed about him instead of praying for him, and the times I criticized instead of praised him!  I just can't believe 10 years have passed!

So, I spent the hours (and I mean hours!) it took me to decorate his cake,  praying that God would help my many mistakes over the past 10 years not ruin him.  That he would become a good, honest, kind man, a loving husband, a devoted father, and a sold out follower of Jesus Christ.

Happy Birthday, Noah!

20 Months

I remember the scene vividly....

It was about a month after we arrived home with the boys.  My mother and father in law, my sister in law, and two of her children had come down to meet the boys.  They were now getting ready to leave.  It was Monday morning.  Brian was at work.  Malachi and I were sitting on the white recliner in my family room. He was screaming. The weekend had been too overwhelming for him.  The other 6 children were running around.  And, I was READY.TO.CRY.  I felt like things were getting worse.  I felt like Malachi was more attached to me than ever.  I was painfully aware of how unknown, new situations were extremely challenging for him. I felt afraid, overwhelmed, and alone.  As my mother in law was saying goodbye (over Malachi's screams), she said this to me "I know its rough now but its going to get better.  You need to give him as much time as he was without  you to get adjusted to you."

I clung to that nugget of wisdom and advice for 20 months.  I tried to remind myself often...He lived without me as his mom for 20 months.  He lived without a family for 20 months.  I would wait for 20 months. Then...

Well, May 2014 was 20 months.  Malachi has now lived with us as long as he lived without us.  Are there still moments where orphanage life affects his behavior?  Definitely!  Are there still tough transitions? Absolutely!  However, I can honestly say...my mother in law was right.  In the past 20 months, Malachi has adjusted to being an integral part of this family.  He now runs around, loves to go with his "papa", irritates his brothers and sisters, talks nonstop although not always understandable, eats by himself, sleeps in a big boy bed, and loves his family.

What a difference 20 months made in the life of my little man!

"AH-HA" Moment

Being an adoptive mother is a lot like walking a tight rope....especially in the area of same and different.  Let me explain.  All 5 of my children are MINE!  I do not view any of them any differently because they did or did not grow in my stomach.  Try and insinuate that 3 of my children are different or less loved and I will fight you! (Actually, I probably wouldn't fight you as I hate confrontation, but I will definitely not talk to you for a while.)

However, my adopted children are different!  
When I hold hands with my biological children, we match....when I hold hands with my adopted children, we don't match
When I fill out a medical history for my biological children, I can provide lots of information...when I fill out a medical history for my adopted children, there are lots of blanks
My adopted children have suffered a great loss...my biological children have not
My biological children are growing up in the country of their birth...my adopted children are not
My adopted children do not live with their birth families....my biological children do

No matter how much I try to pretend it's not so, they are different.  Now, you are probably thinking...DUH!  I could have told her that...but it is different to know something in your head and to feel it in your heart!  As much as I know they are different, I want to protect them from the reality of being different.  

Last week, I was in a situation that made me feel "left out, unwanted, alone".  I tried to explain it to people, but no one could really get the hurt place I was coming from or the depth of the emotions I was feeling.  As I was praying (and having a bit of a pity party), I realized this is how my adopted children feel...not every minute, not even every day, but, at times, this is how they feel even if they are too young to put it into words.  And, guess what....it's not just a feeling, it is REALITY!  No matter how noble the situation that made them part of our family, there was a time when they were left behind, alone, and possibly unwanted.  That realization stopped me in my tracks.

Please pray for me that I will parent from this realization!
 

7: Month Seven: Pausing and Thankfulness

You always hear people say "God has a sense of humor".  Well, this month, He certainly did.  This was a crazy month...
~its long with 31 days
~my friend, Sarah, and I decided to have a silent auction/fundraiser on March 22nd
~we, as a family, are pondering some new paths
This, however, was my last month of 7, the month of 7 pauses throughout the day to be thankful to our Creator and to pray to our Intercessor.  Unfortunately, 7 pauses in any day would be challenging for me (remember I am a doer)....but when you are running around trying to plan an event, 7 pauses was quite difficult!

The first week of March, I was a total failure.  After my quiet time in the morning, it would be the end of the day and I would realize I had only "paused" 2 times.  Then, I figured out how to set the alarm on my phone so that daily I was reminded it was time to "pause".   Now, don't get me wrong, many times my pauses were as simple as this "Thank you, God, that we have food to eat" (while I was making dinner).  Other times, I could stop and pray about a concern or lift up one of my children.

At first, I found the alarm annoying...saw it as yet another thing I had to complete and check off my list.  By the end of this month, I began to see it as a reminder to give thanks for the circumstances I found myself in right at that moment....puking child (we get to cuddle), playing Trouble a game I hate (slowing down and playing with the kids), driving to work (I have a job), wet underwear again (one day he wont need me anymore...and, I am told, I will miss these days :), driving from work (love working part time), napping (I love taking Sunday afternoon naps), etc.  If I stopped for just a second, I always had something to be thankful for...but without the alarm, I would speed through these events and never give thanks.

So, as I look forward, I plan to keep some of these "pauses" (with the help of my phone alarm) built into my day.  Just to drive the point home, I think I am going to leave the "pauses" that happen during the most chaotic times of my day...dinner and bedtime for sure.  This way, I will stop and remember to be thankful for the wonderful gifts God has given to me!

When It's Over

The month of March has been a whirlwind of crazy weather and silent auction/fundraiser preparations. Sarah and I began planning this event in December.  The past two weeks, I think we talked on the phone almost everyday planning details, discussing donations, tweaking parts of the event.

This past week, as we were cleaning the venue, buying food, and fretting over every last detail.  I began to see the parallels between the auction/fundraiser and  a wedding....
~an event that is so important to you,
~an event you want to be memorable and touch hearts,
~an event where there is a collection of people you know from various points and places in your lives (and some you don't know at all because they know the other half hosting the event).
~an event where you spend so much time deciding the menu, but don't even eat a bite of it
~ an event you spend months planning and it is over in just a few short hours

The week leading up to the event was rather interesting (God likes to constantly remind me that I am not in control--a lesson you would think I would learn already)....
On Sunday, I was vomited on at church.  On Sunday night, Chloe was sick with the stomach flu.  I prayed that the rest of my family would stay healthy...that, at least, no one would be sick on Saturday.  I prayed the hardest that I didn't get sick at all (selfish, I know, but seriously I had things to do everyday).
On Monday, it snowed 5 inches and was in the 20's all day long.  I continued to pray for nice weather as the event was going to be held outside.

Guess what!  God is so good.  Only Chloe ever caught the stomach bug despite it going through entire families all around us.  The weather was gorgeous....in the 60's, sunny, a bit windy, but still absolutely beautiful.  We had around 190 people attend and raised about $15,000 (with more donations coming in) for the children in the DRC, Africa. That will feed plumpy nut to the severely malnourished and rice and beans to the rest of the children in the orphanage for over 8 months.

Thank you to all who donated items to the silent auction, donated time in setting up and planning the event, and came and supported the children of the DRC.  I feel truly humbled and blessed by each and everyone of you!

7: Month 6: Spending Cuts

Overall, month 5 was relatively easy for me...now that could mean I took the easy way out or maybe it means I am already very cognizant of my "footprint".  Looking back on the month...

~~I found a few things I will keep...reusable shopping bags, cloth napkins, not washing my clothes after every wear  (I am turning into a "weirdo")

~~I found a thing that I am not such a fan of...using up the food in my freezer.  My life is just too hectic to be rummaging through my freezer, finding ingredients, and then searching the Internet for a recipe that uses those ingredients.  I know, I know....what a spoiled thing to say!  However, if I am being honest, I don't want to spend tons of time coming up with recipes for dinner.  My life is busy enough.  So, if that makes me horrible....then, so be it!

Moving on to month six...7 places to spend money.  At first, I thought this was going to be a breeze. However, I broke the rules on day seven (My friend and I had been planning dinner in January and things kept coming up...so, on Friday, February 7th, I ate at a restaurant that wasn't on my approved list).  Despite this minor slip up, here are my seven areas/places where I will spend money this month...

1.  Walmart...come on, you can get everything there...food, light bulbs, socks...it is just too convenient

2.  Sheetz

3.  Online bill pay...I can't be delinquent on my bills

4.  Kids school...you know they do feed them lunch daily (I know...I could pack their lunches each day with things I purchased from Walmart...but hey, its my list and I am alright with them buying lunch)

5.  Doctors Office...I have at least one kid a week visiting the doctor.  I mean the front receptionists don't even ask my name when I walk in anymore...they know another Siegrist child is sick or is sporting a weird skin rash :)

6.  Limited travel expenses....on a normal month, this wouldn't be included in my spending but my friend and I are traveling to meet with the ladies from the Global Orphan Foundation about our upcoming fundraiser on March 22nd.  Therefore, I will need to spend at a few other places.  I mean you can't sleep at Walmart!

7.  Birthdays...we were invited to a birthday party for some dear friends--not sure I can pass a Walmart gift off (but I am going to try and be creative with something from Walmart but needed to cover just in case I can't make it work).  This one is definitely a cop out but I need to give myself some wiggle room...the stress is just not worth it!


So, there you have it...my list.  Since we are 13 days into this month, I have already begun to realize how quickly I stop and spend money without giving it a second thought.  Considering the fact that I am in the throws of planning an auction/fundraiser for orphans in the DRC, Africa, this month is already quite convicting.

 I will leave you with some quotes I liked in the book 7: A Muting Against Excess,
"Just because we can have it doesn't mean we should.
If they (the early church) found out one-sixth of the earth's population claimed to be Christians, I'm not sure they could reconcile the suffering happening on our watch while we're living in excess.  They'd wonder if we had read the Bible or worry it had been tampered with since their time.
We made it acceptable for people to do nothing and still call themselves Christians..."