The "A" Word

 I am writing this post because I want to share my feelings about when I heard that "A' word and the week after...

A week ago, I took Malachi to see a doctor concerning some behaviors I have witnessed over the past two years.  These behaviors have been disconcerting and worrisome for both me and Brian.  I, as a former teacher and now an employee of WV's early intervention system, knew what these symptoms meant.  However, when its your child, it is very easy to make excuses...to not really "face the music"!

So, in we go to the doctor's office.  Immediately, Malachi is "on guard" as it is a different person and a new place.  After nearly a 30 minute conversation about his symptoms, she said the "A" word.  "He is autistic."  Now, I thought this before going into the office...in fact, I thought this for two years. However, when the words spilled out of her mouth, my eyes filled with tears and a great sense of panic set in.

What?  How will I manage this?  How will this look in our family?  How will this affect our other children?  How will this affect our marriage?  What will school look like for him?  Will he get married?  Will he have a family?  What type of a job will he be able to get?

Upon coming home, I began to make excuses....
"What does she know, he always acts worse around strangers?"
"His symptoms are worse when I am around..maybe he is not autistic and I am just a bad mother."
"I don't see those typical "autistic" symptoms?  Well, at least, I don't see those typical symptoms too often?

I felt totally overwhelmed.  I wanted to curl in a ball and block out the world.  I wanted to pretend she never said the "A" word....pretend it was just my unprofessional opinion again.  But, that is not reality...I had to keep going and I had to deal with the "A" word.

Next, I thought "I just won't tell anyone."  Then, I remembered what the doctor said..."You might not want to give him the label.  But, remember, he will be labeled....labeled as weird, off, or unusual."  So, even with all its connotations, I decided it is best to share.

A week has passed.  I am still scared to death.  I am still sad that my sweet little boy will have yet another obstacle to overcome.  I am still heartbroken that parts of his life won't be"normal".  I am still overwhelmed as how to make this work everyday.

But, I am choosing to remember the progress my little man has made in two years.  I am choosing to remember that God is good.  I am choosing to figure out a way, with the Lord's help and guidance, to make the best life possible for my autistic son.