As I was thinking over how I wanted to write this post...I decided I would write myself an advice filled letter that I wish I would have read (and listened to) over a year ago.
Dear Me,
Adoption is hard. It is the taking of two (or more) people with no blood relation and forever making them a family. Our adoption into God's family cost him His one and only son. Earthly adoption costs you financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically....plan for that! God did not call us to a life of ease and comfort.
Accept help. This is so difficult to do; however, it is not bad (nor does it mean you are a bad mother) to ask for and accept help. Sometimes, as an adoptive parent, I know you feel that others think you "chose" these children therefore you shouldn't need a break. Now, whether this is just perceived or true on the part of the outside world, don't let it limit your asking of help. Who cares if people say, "Well, if you are overwhelmed maybe you shouldn't have adopted 2 more children." If people offer to help, take them up on the kindness!
5 is more than 3. Basic math, right? Five children is a lot more to manage than three. Your first three children were within 3 years. They were babies together. Then, 5 years passed by, your three children got involved in activities. Now, enter 2 more....oh wait, the other 3 are still involved in activities, still attending school, having homework, and they are only 8, 7, and 5. Give yourself some time to adjust to these new dynamics.
2 Boys Together is Different than a Boy and Girl Together. Noah and Anna are only eight months apart...Number 4 and Number 5 are one year apart....but it's going to be whole new ball game. Two boys are ROUGH! They will put a hurting on your house! Look at what will happen to your home....and take a deep breath...
Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others. No one else has your children. God has put your family together and you are unique. It is so tempting to look at other mothers, their beautiful children, and smiling family portraits and think they are so perfect. Just remember...you have not seen behind their closed doors.
Developmental milestones are guidelines. Your child might not meet them within the time frame...or even meet them by a long shot. That is alright. Compare your child to your child and look at the milestones they are reaching! Celebrate the progress each child has made individually.Accept Failure as Part of the Process. You will fail. Again. And. Again. You must pick yourself up and try again. Every other mother fails also. You are no different. You will lose your temper and your patience. Apologize, move on, and learn from your failures
People Will Stare. This will be very difficult for you as you like to go with the crowd and not be a stand out. You will stand out...everywhere. People will stare and smile. People will stare and scowl. Grow some thick skin. Trust that you are where God wants you to be at this moment. Smile, breath, and maybe, from time to time, walk quickly.
One and a Half Years is So Much Longer than Two Months. (Again with the basic math.) One of your boys only spent two months in an orphanage. The other spent one and a half years. You can never go back and get those years. The brain development or lack thereof will not be made up. This will break your heart every time you hear a presentation on it. You will want to cry every time your pediatrician tells you that you need to modify your expectations. However, you do need to modify your expectations. You need to accept the past, realize you can never change it, and move on from there.
Screaming is a Blessing. What? A friend of yours (when speaking about her adopted daughter) will say "Even when she screams and throws a fit, I am thankful that she is home and I can hear her." There will be so much screaming. When a child doesn't speak but wants to communicate, they scream. They. Scream. Loud. Be patient. Make charts, give choices, breathe, teach signs, say the same word over and over, and then breathe some more...And, be thankful that you can hear him scream. He isn't across the ocean. He is here and you can hear him scream!
Take Some/Ignore Some. Everyone will have advice. Some will be helpful. A lot will be useless. Smile, nod, and remember that no one has been in your exact situation. If people are not supporting you in your journey to become a family of seven, move on. You need to surround yourself with positivity....you have enough obstacles to overcome.
Find another adoptive family because their life will most closely resemble your life and struggles. In fact, find several adoptive families.
Celebrate The Baby Steps of Attachment. For a while, the attachment will be "unhealthy", meaning he will have to have you no matter what when you are around. If he doesn't, he will scream. and. Loud. People will "tsk" and shake their heads. Ignore them. Remind yourself that at least he is attaching...even if a bit unhealthy.
Guess what...just shy of 1 year, he will ask to go to toddler church and he will go. Without. Any. Tears. Guess what else...he will chose to go with someone else even though you are staying home. It does get better. He will heal and the scars of people always disappearing will begin to fade. He just has to know you are there (always and forever) before he can spread his wings to fly.
Change Your Life. Let what you saw change you forever. It is not alright that babies are laying in cribs without arms holding them, toys engaging them, and love surrounding them. It is not alright that little boys are sleeping on wooden slats. It is not alright that children are being forced to become soldiers...That six year olds are being kidnapped from their homes and forced to kill. It is not alright that little girls are being raped by grown men. It is not alright that children are dying of malnutrition and hunger while you throw food away daily. YOU NEED TO DO YOUR PART TO CHANGE THIS! Find a way...research charitable agencies to fund, become an advocate for adoption, and "be the change" for those who don't have a voice. It will be a long, hard battle but find. a. way.
Despite Everything, Adoption is Beautiful. Through tragedy, God is making something beautiful. Through the loss of first families, God is weaving a new family...a forever family. Your family is a picture of what God's family looks like...White, Brown, and Black....scarred from the battle but pressing on and moving forward. It will be hard! However, it is beautiful!
Lastly, Look at the Smiles...all the tears, all the failures and setbacks, all the moments of sheer panic, all the overwhelmed feelings....they are worth it because these two little boys have a family. Someone is holding them! Someone loves them deeply! Someone is fighting for them! And that makes EVERYTHING ELSE worth it!
You will survive this first year. Things do get better. Hang in there!
Love,
Me
