Becoming a Family of Seven: One Year Later

One year ago today, we stepped foot back on American soil after spending 10 days "bringing home the boys".  At that moment, it seemed like the end of a journey that involved Brian being pulled from a car by an angry mob.  The end of journey that let me witness a war torn, poverty stricken nation.  The end of a journey that forever changed my life.  However, in reality, it was just the beginning of our journey as a family of seven. 

As I was thinking over how I wanted to write this post...I decided I would write myself an advice filled letter that I wish I would have read (and listened to) over a year ago. 


Dear Me,
Adoption is hard.  It is the taking of two (or more) people with no blood relation and forever making them a family.  Our adoption into God's family cost him His one and only son.  Earthly adoption costs you financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically....plan for that!  God did not call us to a life of ease and comfort.

Accept help.  This is so difficult to do; however, it is not bad (nor does it mean you are a bad mother) to ask for and accept help.  Sometimes, as an adoptive parent, I know you feel that others think you "chose" these children therefore you shouldn't need a break.  Now, whether this is just perceived or true on the part of the outside world, don't let it limit your asking of help.  Who cares if people say, "Well, if you are overwhelmed maybe you shouldn't have adopted 2 more children."  If people offer to help, take them up on the kindness!

5 is more than 3.  Basic math, right?  Five children is a lot more to manage than three.  Your first three children were within 3 years.  They were babies together.  Then, 5 years passed by, your three children got involved in activities.  Now, enter 2 more....oh wait, the other 3 are still involved in activities, still attending school, having homework, and they are only 8, 7, and 5.  Give yourself some time to adjust to these new dynamics. 

2 Boys Together is Different than a Boy and Girl Together.  Noah and Anna are only eight months apart...Number 4 and Number 5 are one year apart....but it's going to be  whole new ball game.  Two boys are ROUGH!  They will put a hurting on your house!  Look at what will happen to your home....and take a deep breath...

 

 

 

Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others.  No one else has your children.  God has put your family together and you are unique.  It is so tempting to look at other mothers, their beautiful children, and smiling family portraits and think they are so perfect.  Just remember...you have not seen behind their closed doors. 

Developmental milestones are guidelines.  Your child might not meet them within the time frame...or even meet them by a long shot.  That is alright.  Compare your child to your child and look at the milestones they are reaching!  Celebrate the progress each child has made individually.

Accept Failure as Part of the Process.  You will fail. Again. And. Again.  You must pick yourself up and try again.  Every other mother fails also.  You are no different.  You will lose your temper and your patience.  Apologize, move on, and learn from your failures
                                                   
People Will Stare.  This will be very difficult for you as you like to go with the crowd and not be a stand out.  You will stand out...everywhere.  People will stare and smile.  People will stare and scowl.  Grow some thick skin.  Trust that you are where God wants you to be at this moment.  Smile, breath, and maybe, from time to time, walk quickly.

One and a Half Years is So Much Longer than Two Months.  (Again with the basic math.)  One of your boys only spent two months in an orphanage.  The other spent one and a half years.  You can never go back and get those years.  The brain development or lack thereof will not be made up.  This will break your heart every time you hear a presentation on it.  You will want to cry every time your pediatrician tells you that you need to modify your expectations.  However, you do need to modify your expectations.  You need to accept the past, realize you can never change it, and move on from there.

Screaming is a Blessing.  What?  A friend of yours (when speaking about her adopted daughter) will say "Even when she screams and throws a fit, I am thankful that she is home and I can hear her."   There will be so much screaming.  When a child doesn't speak but wants to communicate, they scream.  They. Scream. Loud.  Be patient.  Make charts, give choices, breathe, teach signs, say the same word over and over, and then breathe some more...And, be thankful that you can hear him scream.  He isn't across the ocean.  He is here and you can hear him scream!

Take Some/Ignore Some.  Everyone will have advice.  Some will be helpful.  A lot will be useless.  Smile, nod, and remember that no one has been in your exact situation.  If people are not supporting you in your journey to become a family of seven, move on.  You need to surround yourself with positivity....you have enough obstacles to overcome.
Find another adoptive family because their life will most closely resemble your life and struggles.  In fact, find several adoptive families.

Celebrate The Baby Steps of Attachment.  For a while, the attachment will be "unhealthy", meaning he will have to have you no matter what when you are around.  If he doesn't, he will scream. and. Loud.  People will "tsk" and shake their heads.  Ignore them.  Remind yourself that at least he is attaching...even if a bit unhealthy. 
Guess what...just shy of 1 year, he will ask to go to toddler church and he will go. Without. Any. Tears.  Guess what else...he will chose to go with someone else even though you are staying home.  It does get better.  He will heal and the scars of people always disappearing will begin to fade.  He just has to know you are there (always and forever) before he can spread his wings to fly. 

Change Your Life.  Let what you saw change you forever.  It is not alright that babies are laying in cribs without arms holding them, toys engaging them, and love surrounding them.  It is not alright that little boys are sleeping on wooden slats.  It is not alright that children are being forced to become soldiers...That six year olds are being kidnapped from their homes and forced to kill.  It is not alright that little girls are being raped by grown men.  It is not alright that children are dying of malnutrition and hunger while you throw food away daily.  YOU NEED TO DO YOUR PART TO CHANGE THIS!  Find a way...research charitable agencies to fund, become an advocate for adoption, and "be the change" for those who don't have a voice.  It will be a long, hard battle but find. a. way.

Despite Everything, Adoption is Beautiful.  Through tragedy, God is making something beautiful.  Through the loss of first families, God is weaving a new family...a forever family.  Your family is a picture of what God's family looks like...White, Brown, and Black....scarred from the battle but pressing on and moving forward.  It will be hard!  However, it is beautiful!

Lastly, Look at the Smiles...all the tears, all the failures and setbacks, all the moments of sheer panic, all the overwhelmed feelings....they are worth it because these two little boys have a family.  Someone is holding them!  Someone loves them deeply!  Someone is fighting for them!  And that makes EVERYTHING ELSE worth it!

You will survive this first year.  Things do get better.  Hang in there!
Love,
Me

7 Months...7 Things...7 Opportunities to See More of Him

I like stuff!  Actually, I love my stuff!  If asked, I would say Jesus is first in my life...I would give all this stuff up.  However, at times, I am forced to question my response.  I try to justify my large amounts of stuff by saying "I give to the poor.  I help those in need."  More often than naught, I give out of my abundance.  Honestly, I am not sure I have ever "given until it hurts". 

I get so frustrated with myself because I have seen poverty.  I have seen children sleeping on wooden slats without a single toy.  I have been inside of entire homes that would fit into my family room.  Often, it is in those settings, that I see Jesus...His hope...His love....His grace and mercy....and His hospitality.  Always, I walk away from these experiences saying "I want to be different.  I want to love Him more and my stuff less".  Then, I return to my comfortable life with my overabundance of stuff and the memories of "the least of these" starts to fade.

About two months ago, my friend, Kelly, told me I should read the book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker.  (By the way, don't read this book if you don't want to be confronted with your excess and your love of it)  After some discussion, we decided we were going to follow Jen Hatmaker's model (with a few modifications) and take 7 months to fast from 7 things that get so much of our attention.

September is the month Kelly and I will focus on possessions.  We will give away 7 items each day.  I decided that I will be giving away 7 items each day...210 items total...that are mine.  I decided this because I wanted to make me uncomfortable.  I wanted to not take the easy way out and give away what I wanted from my possessions and then move on to my children's possessions to make up the difference.  (Oh yes, I would totally do this)

 Today, I am three days in and feeling good.  I mean my closets needed some cleaning out. 

 

Take notice of how organized my shirts are...but, seriously who needs this many shirts (and these aren't even my comfy t-shirts)

 

Jewelry drawer...honestly half of this jewelry I haven't even worn in the past 10 years



My winter shoes...I thought about organizing before snapping the picture (how prideful am I) but then figured you have enough from this post to judge me about why not add something else...

 

 

 

As you can see, God has a lot of work to do in me over this next month.  I am excited to see how God is going to use this fast to make people see more of Him and less of me.  I am praying for opportunities to give my stuff to people in need.  I don't want to just load it up and take it down to the local Rescue Mission...I want to be the one to meet a need.  I want to see God use my willingness (alright I want to see God use my twisted arm) to show love to another.  I want to serve God and not my money/possessions.  I want to be filled up with Him not the treasures of this world.

What to Do with TV???

I have struggled with what to let my children watch on TV.  What is age appropriate?  What correlates with our morals (not much by the way)?  Time and time again, I come out on the very conservative side.  I have a 9, 8, and 6 year old who still watch toddler shows and Little House on the Prairie. 

As a child, my family did not have a TV.  (So, don't ask me about the Smurfs or any other popular cartoon when I was a child).  We got our first TV when I was in high school.  There were times when I felt so left out because I had no idea what the other children were discussing...or singing...or watching.  However, as an adult, I see the wisdom in my parents decision not to have a television.

We, as a family, have decided to have a television; however, my children are allowed to watch very little.  No matter how I try to protect them...I still have to switch the channel during football game commercials and turn off a show in the middle because I don't like the way they are talking or the things they are promoting.  And, then there was the time I thought the girls would like to watch Dancing with the Stars.  (Big mistake on my part)

Today, I heard about Miley Cyrus' VMA performance.  So, I decided to watch and see what all the fuss was about...What in the world?  That cute little tween that we, as a nation, allowed our children to idolize is dancing half nude, making obscene gestures, and barely singing.  Why didn't her mother go up and cover her up and yank her butt off that stage?  She is 20 years old....not even old enough to legally drink alcohol.  What has happened to this nation that we see no issue in exploiting our children?  What is she teaching all those pre-teen girls that idolize her?  Do we really wonder why our teenagers are sexually active at younger and younger ages?

Today, I am feeling blessed that my children are happy to watch Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I am praying that as they get older I can continue to take a stand on what I allow my children to take in...because it makes a difference!!  We, as Christians, need to take a stand...we need to look different!

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"  Philippians 4:8

Faith and Love...Like a Child

We were sitting at a park-n-ride waiting to "exchange" children.  I had 4 kids with me...which included the little boys, Noah, and a friend.  Parked in the back of the park-n-ride towards the woods was a 70's style van with a tarp on top, a shaggy dog, and a "homeless" looking man.  Now, I know from previous discussions that this man lives in his van. 

The kids start asking me about the van and its occupant.  I explain a little and then reply without much thought...."How sad for him.  We should pray for him."  Then, I dismissed the matter.  Noah and his friend continue to ask if they can go talk to the man.  Finally, they get out some cheese sticks and some apples that I had packed for a snack...They decide they would like to take it to the man. 

At this point, I am getting very uncomfortable...I mean, the man looks shady.  I am weak...I can't protect the kids.  I'm not sure this is safe. I start offering excuses to the kids but they are persistent.  My friend arrives (safety in numbers right...I mean together we are 2 tough mommas :)  and we discuss and agree they can take the food to the man....as we watch from a safe distance.

So, Noah and his friend take the food over and talk with the man for a few minutes.  As I watched them walk over, I felt so convicted....THIS IS GOD'S LOVE IN ACTION!!!  Shame on me for trying to squelch His spirit in those two little boys!  Shame on me for not taking the food myself!

When He's There...and You Want to Be Too

This week has been hard for me.  My husband is in Guatemala loving on the children at Dorie's Promise and working in the surrounding community of Guatemala City.  It hasn't been hard because he is gone (although that is no walk in the park).  It is hard because I want to be there. 

Eight years ago, I stepped foot in Guatemala to meet my daughter...and since then my life has never been the same. 

 

I have grown to love the people and culture of Guatemala.  In addition, God has placed a burden on my heart for orphans who will never know the love of a forever family.

 

So, when I  skype with him and hear his excitement for the people he is meeting or the lives that are being changed with water filters, chicken coops, and cement floors....I feel jealous!  I know God has called me here, at home, for this week...but knowing God's plan and truly accepting God's plan are often two different things.  As I am here canning green beans, doing laundry, making meals, going to speech therapy appointments, I often feel like God had to have more than this in mind for me.  I mean He gave me this huge heart for orphans...and I haven't been on a missions trip in two years.  What is going on...has He forgotten that He placed these desires in my heart....does He not see that others are living out my "heart"?

As I was having a pity party for myself, I received this email from my dear friend who is also in Guatemala this week.
"To think this all goes back to Brian and you adopting Anna! You guys never knew how this would have grown and how many people would be coming to the special place in your heart-Guatemala"
It was like God was giving me a hug and telling me to hold on...He hasn't forgotten me...He has a plan much bigger than I could ever imagine.  So, I am choosing to thank God for the little girl who changed my heart...

and the people who gave up their week of vacation to love on "the least of these" in  Guatemala.

 

Psalm 27:14  "Wait for the Lord.  Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

Traveling with 5 Kids Is A Lot like a Circus

Our family has been "on the road" the past couple of weeks.  We went camping with the Siegrist clan...

and visited Myrtle Beach with my parents....

On top of the crazy moments that go with feeding, bathing, and sleeping children in a new situations, I have some really funny travel moments (actually I am not sure funny is the right word but sometimes all you can do is laugh ;)

*Noah "accidentally" rides his bike into the lake.  Now, Noah is a very intelligent young man...tell me, how do you ride your bike into a lake, not a puddle, A LAKE!!!

*We stopped at a disgusting gas station for a bathroom break.  We had to stop here because the traffic was at a  stand still and we needed a bathroom.  Malachi is potty training so I took him to the bathroom.  Why must little kids put their hands on the toilet seat???    Despite this, I took him to the bathroom, turned my head to flush the toilet with a paper towel....Malachi picks up a plunger and touches the end that goes in the toilet.   YUCK!!!!

*After our breakfast stop at Cracker Barrel, I take 3 kids to the bathroom.  The girls each go into their stalls to use the restroom.  I take Malachi in a stall with me.  While he is going potty, I realize breakfast is not agreeing with my stomach.  So, I am trying to deal with my situation and keep Malachi from opening the stall door and touching the floor or walls.  In addition, I need to  make the girls stand still outside the stall.  FUN TIMES!!! Why doesn't Brian ever get into these situations?

*My mom got the boys these little pull behind wagons for the beach.  We rattled all the way down to the beach.  A lady met us on the way back and said, "I love your wagons.  I heard them going down to the beach early this morning."  Not sure she really loved them...

*Noah, along with his buddy, caught a lizard.  He was so happy!  We went to the beach, came back to the condo....the lizard was fine.  We went to the pool for a short time, came in to eat lunch...the lizard was dead.  Oh, the crying....you would have thought a person died.  Lucky for Noah (not me), his buddy gave him one of the smaller lizard he had caught.  So, now, we have a pet lizard.

 

 

 

All in all, we had some great vacations...and made some great memories! 

Racism is For Real

With all the recent events like the Trayvon Martin/Zimmerman trial and Paula Deen's racial slurs/attitude, I have been thinking about this world in which my children are growing up.  I have always known that racism exists...unfortunately, I have known far too many racist people.  However, it wasn't until bringing the boys home, that I realized IT IS EVERYWHERE!!!  It is not always presented with an in your face comment, but it is the way people act when a group of African American boys walk by, or a joke that is degrading to Hispanic people, or someone describing another human "as black, I mean really black".   (By the way---I absolutely hate this...what does it matter if they are light brown, dark brown, or black...are they more or less of a person by the degree of color in their skin...do I describe  you as "white, I mean really white"?)

As an adoptive mother, it is impossible for me to go anywhere with my children without people staring.  Now, some are staring because they are curious about adoption.  Some are staring because I have so many children.  However, some are staring because they disagree with our family makeup...and it is evident in their facial expressions. 

When you have children that are a different race than you, you become much more aware of the prevalence of racism and attitudes towards people of different races and ethnicities (both within yourself and those you come in contact with).  Over the past few months, I have noticed several cases/attitudes and it has really made me think about how my boys and oldest girl are going to be treated differently because of the color of their skin.  It will not matter to some that they were raised by the same parents as my biological children...whether they have good moral character or not...all that will matter is that they are not white!  That to me is heartbreaking and infuriating!

So, from this point forward, I am going to call people out on their off-handed remarks.  (This will be very challenging for me as I hate confrontation.)  However, I can not let my children grow up thinking that I think less of them because their skin doesn't match mine. I figure I might offend some people, but I'm willing to do that for my children.  I love them too much to not try and make the world a place "where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." (Martin Luther King Jr.)