The Siegrist Family Christmas

I really hate the movie, A Christmas Vacation....

This weekend, I felt a bit like the Griswold family...ridiculous and over the top!  As I wrote two years ago, http://siegristseven.blogspot.com/2012/12/letting-go.html  Brian made this crazy arrangement with the children four years ago that if we "save" money and get a tree off our land then we can go out to dinner.  As I mentioned, we have cedar trees....ENOUGH SAID!

So, all week I watched as people posted beautiful pictures of artfully decorated Christmas trees. Honestly, I began to feel a bit jealous...I knew a straggly, holey tree was about to be drug in my house to be decorated.

On Sunday, we bundled up the kids and off we went to tromp around our property looking for the "perfect" tree.  Let me just say...on all 20 of our acres there is not. one. single. perfect. tree!  In fact, there is not even a nearly perfect tree.  I was worried of what the neighbors who drove by thought as we searched the front of our property.  I mean, lets be honest, our large, diverse family already stands out in our gated community!!!!  Now, we are tromping around carrying a saw in the freezing cold.  WHAT. IS WRONG. WITH. THAT. FAMILY!

Finally, we agreed on a huge tree....way too tall to even begin to fit in our house.  Brian and the kids drug it up the driveway.  We chopped it in half and into the house it came.  We strung it with white lights and decorated it with the breakable glass ornaments.  We had our 2014 Christmas tree!  In Chloe's words, "Its so beautiful, except for the tree!"

Admist this adventure, I realized that this has become a tradition....and, guess what, our kids look forward to it!  They don't care that the tree is UGLY!  They don't care that we could go to a tree farm and find a gorgeous, hole free tree!  Honestly, they don't even care about going out to dinner (when I asked them they had forgotten that it was part of the deal).  They just love to have a Christmas tree with their personal ornament adorning it!  They just love the tradition of finding the "perfectly ugly" Christmas tree together as a family!

The "A" Word

 I am writing this post because I want to share my feelings about when I heard that "A' word and the week after...

A week ago, I took Malachi to see a doctor concerning some behaviors I have witnessed over the past two years.  These behaviors have been disconcerting and worrisome for both me and Brian.  I, as a former teacher and now an employee of WV's early intervention system, knew what these symptoms meant.  However, when its your child, it is very easy to make excuses...to not really "face the music"!

So, in we go to the doctor's office.  Immediately, Malachi is "on guard" as it is a different person and a new place.  After nearly a 30 minute conversation about his symptoms, she said the "A" word.  "He is autistic."  Now, I thought this before going into the office...in fact, I thought this for two years. However, when the words spilled out of her mouth, my eyes filled with tears and a great sense of panic set in.

What?  How will I manage this?  How will this look in our family?  How will this affect our other children?  How will this affect our marriage?  What will school look like for him?  Will he get married?  Will he have a family?  What type of a job will he be able to get?

Upon coming home, I began to make excuses....
"What does she know, he always acts worse around strangers?"
"His symptoms are worse when I am around..maybe he is not autistic and I am just a bad mother."
"I don't see those typical "autistic" symptoms?  Well, at least, I don't see those typical symptoms too often?

I felt totally overwhelmed.  I wanted to curl in a ball and block out the world.  I wanted to pretend she never said the "A" word....pretend it was just my unprofessional opinion again.  But, that is not reality...I had to keep going and I had to deal with the "A" word.

Next, I thought "I just won't tell anyone."  Then, I remembered what the doctor said..."You might not want to give him the label.  But, remember, he will be labeled....labeled as weird, off, or unusual."  So, even with all its connotations, I decided it is best to share.

A week has passed.  I am still scared to death.  I am still sad that my sweet little boy will have yet another obstacle to overcome.  I am still heartbroken that parts of his life won't be"normal".  I am still overwhelmed as how to make this work everyday.

But, I am choosing to remember the progress my little man has made in two years.  I am choosing to remember that God is good.  I am choosing to figure out a way, with the Lord's help and guidance, to make the best life possible for my autistic son.

It's Just a Cake

Today, my son, Noah, turns 10!  I can hardly believe that 10 years ago after a failed attempt to turn Noah, I was prepped for a c-section and gave birth to my first child.  I remember the first time I held him...I just couldn't believe that he was mine, that they were going to let me take this innocent, little baby home.

I remember as Noah's first birthday approached, Brian shared that his mother always made him a special, decorated cake.  I wanted to be a good mother, so I embarked on the journey of learning how to make these special birthday cakes (Great big thanks to my mother-in-law for the hours of cake baking and decorating that have ensued).  Had I know then that I was going to have 5 children and, therefore, was going to need to make 50 cakes, I may have passed on this opportunity to be a good mother.

Forward 10 years, 10 cakes, and 10,000 gray hairs.....

     Noah's 1st Birthday...

 







   


     Noah's 2nd Birthday....

 







     Noah's 3rd Birthday...

 



     Noah's 4th Birthday...

 








   


     Noah's 5th Birthday...

 

   






   




     Noah's 6th Birthday...

  




     Noah's 7th Birthday...

     Noah's 8th Birthday...

     Noah's 9th Birthday... 

and I am making my last specially designed cake for Noah.  I have told each child that when they turn 10, they will have their last cake.  (Now, don't get me wrong, I will still make my children a birthday cake; however, I will no longer carve and decorate a cake for hours.)  So, I thought I would approach this day with glee.  I mean these cakes create hours of stress for me...searching the Internet for ideas, baking and freezing the cake days in advance, then hours cutting and decorating.

But, as I prepared this last cake, I felt an overwhelming sadness.  My baby is no longer a little boy.  The decade where he physically needed me the most is over.  I thought about all the mistakes I have made in raising him...the times I was too busy to play, the times I lost my temper, the times I stressed about him instead of praying for him, and the times I criticized instead of praised him!  I just can't believe 10 years have passed!

So, I spent the hours (and I mean hours!) it took me to decorate his cake,  praying that God would help my many mistakes over the past 10 years not ruin him.  That he would become a good, honest, kind man, a loving husband, a devoted father, and a sold out follower of Jesus Christ.

Happy Birthday, Noah!

20 Months

I remember the scene vividly....

It was about a month after we arrived home with the boys.  My mother and father in law, my sister in law, and two of her children had come down to meet the boys.  They were now getting ready to leave.  It was Monday morning.  Brian was at work.  Malachi and I were sitting on the white recliner in my family room. He was screaming. The weekend had been too overwhelming for him.  The other 6 children were running around.  And, I was READY.TO.CRY.  I felt like things were getting worse.  I felt like Malachi was more attached to me than ever.  I was painfully aware of how unknown, new situations were extremely challenging for him. I felt afraid, overwhelmed, and alone.  As my mother in law was saying goodbye (over Malachi's screams), she said this to me "I know its rough now but its going to get better.  You need to give him as much time as he was without  you to get adjusted to you."

I clung to that nugget of wisdom and advice for 20 months.  I tried to remind myself often...He lived without me as his mom for 20 months.  He lived without a family for 20 months.  I would wait for 20 months. Then...

Well, May 2014 was 20 months.  Malachi has now lived with us as long as he lived without us.  Are there still moments where orphanage life affects his behavior?  Definitely!  Are there still tough transitions? Absolutely!  However, I can honestly say...my mother in law was right.  In the past 20 months, Malachi has adjusted to being an integral part of this family.  He now runs around, loves to go with his "papa", irritates his brothers and sisters, talks nonstop although not always understandable, eats by himself, sleeps in a big boy bed, and loves his family.

What a difference 20 months made in the life of my little man!

"AH-HA" Moment

Being an adoptive mother is a lot like walking a tight rope....especially in the area of same and different.  Let me explain.  All 5 of my children are MINE!  I do not view any of them any differently because they did or did not grow in my stomach.  Try and insinuate that 3 of my children are different or less loved and I will fight you! (Actually, I probably wouldn't fight you as I hate confrontation, but I will definitely not talk to you for a while.)

However, my adopted children are different!  
When I hold hands with my biological children, we match....when I hold hands with my adopted children, we don't match
When I fill out a medical history for my biological children, I can provide lots of information...when I fill out a medical history for my adopted children, there are lots of blanks
My adopted children have suffered a great loss...my biological children have not
My biological children are growing up in the country of their birth...my adopted children are not
My adopted children do not live with their birth families....my biological children do

No matter how much I try to pretend it's not so, they are different.  Now, you are probably thinking...DUH!  I could have told her that...but it is different to know something in your head and to feel it in your heart!  As much as I know they are different, I want to protect them from the reality of being different.  

Last week, I was in a situation that made me feel "left out, unwanted, alone".  I tried to explain it to people, but no one could really get the hurt place I was coming from or the depth of the emotions I was feeling.  As I was praying (and having a bit of a pity party), I realized this is how my adopted children feel...not every minute, not even every day, but, at times, this is how they feel even if they are too young to put it into words.  And, guess what....it's not just a feeling, it is REALITY!  No matter how noble the situation that made them part of our family, there was a time when they were left behind, alone, and possibly unwanted.  That realization stopped me in my tracks.

Please pray for me that I will parent from this realization!